hiya folks! it's halfway through the year, isn't that insane? i say it every time but man does time fly now... it's so disturbing. i'll be 22 this month which comically feels nightmarishly old, like i'm at the end of my life or something. i bet i'll feel even worse when i turn 23, and so on.
i had some pretty big updates last post, and unfortunately they didn't come to fruition. i did fly out to meet my friend, which was CRAZY!!! and feels like a fever dream really. it was so scary and they were so nice to me but i can't help but look back and still feel like i was a loser and weird and lame and ugly and they didn't actually like me at all. but it was nice. and weird. i got to be there for their birthday and meet some of their friends, which went better than i thought it would. i don't know, i've still got this weird semi-crippling anxiety about myself that might never ever diminish. i think maybe i could know them in person for years and still fear they think badly of me.
the plan was to look at some apartments when i was out there, but unfortunately it did not happen, which meant the entire burden of decision and preparation was entirely on my friend, since obviously i can't do much when i'm not there lol. but i think the stress of the situation got to them, because they kept procrastinating the process for weeks and it really upset me as well, and about a month ago i said "maybe we do this next year" and they said "yeah" and that was that. so i guess maybe we're doing it next year.
i was terribly bitter about it at the time, and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't still a little bitter about it now. it got so bad that at one point i considered that maybe my friendship with this person was just over, because they had essentially crushed these big dreams i had for my future, plans i felt really excited for in a way i haven't ever before. i even wrote this long ass message that would have ended our friendship, but felt so conflicted about sending it because this is my best (and frankly only) friend and could i really let that go? but then they messaged me and apologized and i spent like a week barely talking to them and by then i had forgiven. so we're still good friends now, and 'ideally' moving in together next year, but honestly who knows about that. i still want it to happen, i guess, but at the same time it's so far away that i can't really comprehend it as possible, so we'll see. i'm really glad i didn't send that message though.
my job has been a pain in the ass for months about this so-called promotion; back in like JANUARY my manager told me i was going to get it, then months later i asked and was told i wouldn't, then like 2 weeks after they told me i would, then there was 0 mention of it for like another month (i felt too awkward to say anything, especially because at this point i had decided i was going to move). but then maybe a month and a half ago, one of my managers told me they were considering me for a slightly higher position, and i felt so bad because i was going to be moving! so i told her this in confidence, and thankfully she said nothing of it and lo and behold i am no longer moving. so i'm getting promoted, for real, finally, yay! i've already begun training though the actual date of said promotion is very vague ("in the next two weeks" was said maybe a week ago, but i kind of doubt that). but honestly i just appreciate being recognized for my efforts more than anything. so that's nice.
in preparation for the move, i decided i needed to learn how to drive, which has always been a huge anxiety for me. cars in general just frighten me; i will basically never cross the street without the light, even if there are no cars in sight, and if i see a car coming down the road i'll always wait for it to pass, no matter how far away it is. i just feel like i don't trust others on the road and i also can't really trust my gauge for distance and speed and etc. so yeah ME driving the car is that but 100x worse.
when i was 16 i did the whole process and was anxious but far less so, and i took lessons and practiced and got so far as taking my driving test, which i freaked out in and almost crashed - a true disaster. my dad maintains that the driving test guy was an asshole, but frankly he deserved to be because i actually fucked up. anyway this of course crushed me, and despite efforts to get me to drive again, i could never get farther than taking the permit test.
to be clear, i WANT to know how to drive. i feel bad that my mother has to drive me to and from work, and though i don't care to leave the house much, it would be nice to be able to drive in case i do. and obviously if i'm living in an apartment somewhere, not being able to drive is going to be super difficult. so a few months ago i took the permit test again, passed, and have driven maybe like half an hour in total since.
it's really hard because just THINKING about driving gets me super anxious. i have to psych myself up for it for like half an hour in advance, and i just get terribly nervous once i'm in the car. in my short practices so far i've driven down basically the same exact road every time, and last time i did i got so nervous i literally broke down and started crying out of fear. i just am so scared of the other cars and crashing or fucking up. it's so awful. i was thinking about hiring an instructor to help, but just the thought of getting back behind the wheel makes me feel nauseated a little. and now that i'm not moving after all, i fear i might just not drive again. it's sad because i genuinely wish i could do it, but i just get this feeling i am going to die every time i try. :(
anyway........................................ hobbies updates!!!!!
first of all, my obsession with SHERLOCK HOLMES... has unfortunately come to a close. perhaps the shortest and most intense of them all, my fervent admiration of him has almost completely vanished. i still appreciate the characters and the stories and the games, but i just don't care to continue my interest. this is truly a tragedy because i bought two biographical books related to him right before losing interest, which are now just going to sit unread on my shelf for who knows how long. i wrote about frogwares last post, which published the sherlock holmes games that had caused me to fall in love with the character; i had resolved myself to play every SH game they published, which i did! so that's probably why my interest dwindled... but i do think very fondly of my favorite of the games, and i kind of already want to replay it...
i want to say that i'll return to my obsession with him, especially because there's sooo much more sherlock holmes media in the world i never ended up watching - the granada series, for example, with my beloved jeremy brett, or the BBC show which i was "saving" for the end but of course never got to. in fact i never even finished the ACD stories themselves; i think i have the valley of fear and like 10 short stories left lol. but unfortunately i just don't think i'm one to return to a hyperfixation after i've left it... i am looking pointedly towards loki and jerma in particular. i think once i hit a certain level of obsession, returning back just feels exhausting. once these things lose their magic the first time, it's hard to remember how it felt to love them as intensely as i did; the "discovery" phase is gone forever (which is, of course, the best part). but of course all of these were in the past few years so who knows how i'll feel in the future!
holmes will always be one of my favorite characters in any media, though. in a not-delusional way (i promise) he and watson do almost feel almost real to me. i think it's just because he's been portrayed in so many different ways that i have such a cohesive and yet varied idea of him. there is a sherlock holmes for everything. young, pretty 21yr old sherlock in frogwares' chapter one; leave-it-up-to-the-imagination skinny-faced 30s holmes in the books; older, late-40s celebrity-crush jeremy brett holmes in the '80s granada series; and of course there's tumblr sexyman and sociopath sherlock holmes as played by benedict cumberbatch in the BBC adaptation, though filling which role for me i do not know. all in all holmes is just such a specific in the format but broad in the details figure that i think i might forever be a little in love with him.
what i also appreciate SH for is that it vaguely rekindled my interest in reading again. i was an avid reader in elementary + middle school, but quickly fell out of it in favor of the internet (a shocker, i'm sure). even since graduating from high school, i've just never really had much of an interest in books; why should i, when i've got all this fun digital media at my fingertips???
but as an "aspiring writer" i know reading books is one of the most important steps of learning, and so i finally mustered up the willpower to go to my local library and register for a card !! i literally don't think i've willingly stepped foot in a library for like 8 years or something, so it was nice. i checked out two books and have a hold on three more. very fun.
one of the books was 'midnight in the garden of good and evil', which i finished quickly. i really enjoyed this one, and i thought the writing style was simple but descriptive, and very engaging. unfortunately i have been turned off by it somewhat after learning that, despite it being called nonfiction, much of the timeline is switched around or elements are bolstered for sake of the story. while i understand that a lot of nonfiction is adjusted here and there to make it more cohesive, i don't appreciate it in this case. i think it's because the narrator is made to seem soooo likeable and charming because he's portrayed as somehow friends with everyone (he'll have scenes back-to-back talking with complete business rivals, both of which somehow trust him immensely). but then it turns out many of those scenes he wasn't even there for, and he just inserted himself into them for the story! what! sorry, but that's just so lame. overall, it was pretty good though.
the other book i got was kafka's complete works, because everyone my age seems to swear by this guy, right? but unfortunately i don't really think i'm in the right mindset to get through his stuff. i definitely understand the appeal of the existentialist nature of his works, and i'm sure if i can just manage to get through it that i'll get value out of reading it. but maybe it's all just a little too philosophical for me.
i also briefly got into listening to audiobooks, though mainly audio lectures. i got through a 13hr lecture on the history of london, of which i probably retained about 15% of the information. but it was a fascinating listen for the most part! i also started listening to an incredibly long series of lectures on mythology, but unfortunately i lost interest around the 10hr mark. there's only a very small window of activities i can do with audiobooks, because they have to be mindless enough that i can still focus on listening.
this worked perfectly at first, because maybe like a month and a half ago i got SUPER into miniature kits/book nooks. i actually made two like a year ago or something, but kind of lost interest after that. but then randomly in may i decided i wanted to get back into them, and fervently made some for like a month. as i do with all crafts, i ended up buying like 8 of them in anticipation for this "HUGE!!" obsession, and now i have moved on and have just a stack of unopened crafts and one that is currently covering my entire desk as well. i even bought this giant ass shelf for them (though i'm still glad i got it because i needed more space in my room). it is just so funny and ironic how this happens with every single craft i have (once again, looking pointedly towards the 15 diamond paintings, the needle felting, the crochet kit, the embroidery kit, the origami sheets, and the latchhook kit i've all given up on). i'm exaggerating a bit for comedic effect (it's really only the diamond painting and the miniatures that i've really over-stocked on), but it's just amazing how i always expect these obsessions to last forever, because of course it feels like they will! and then they last like a month or even less. i do still think about the miniatures a lot (i've actually got a few in my amazon cart right now... oops) so i'm definitely going to return to them at one point - they're really the perfect craft for me and so satisfying to complete. but for now it's just sooo pathetic how many supplies and materials i've got and then i just am doing nothing with them once i turn my focus to a different obsession.
other than the SH games, i wasn't really playing many video games for a while, which is why i turned towards these physical hobbies. but i've once again returned towards my favorite of all interests!!! i just bought a few during the steam sale that i'm really eager for: persona 5 and cyberpunk 2077 namely. both of these are long and highly regarded so i'm certain i'll get a lot out of them; i think i'm going to start cyberpunk soon, actually.
the other notable game i bought was this jrpg called trails in the sky, and i have absolutely fallen in LOVE with it. i've never really been into jrpgs, random combat really turned me off from turn based combat in general for a long time, and otherwise they just never seemed very interesting. but i've been getting a hankering for strategy combat over the past few months (perhaps because of skald, which i adored), and i really wanted to try some jrpgs and see if they might be for me now. like a year ago i came across this random person who reviewed a point and click game i was curious about, and i loved the way they wrote their review so much that i went onto their account to check out their other reviews. trails in the sky was one of them, and it piqued my curiosity so i added it to my wishlist and didn't really think about it much since, until now. it's half off so i decided to pick it up, and it is just an absolute delight. it's basically all i've played for the past week.
it revolves around this 16yr old gal named estelle and her adopted brother joshua, both of which have just become jr. bracers (essentially professional adventures for the kingdom that help citizens, fight monsters, etc). in a mysterious turn of events revolving their father disappearing, they go off to visit the various cities of their kingdom (liberl), complete bracer tasks at the various guilds, get more information about the strange things happening... and be goofy silly quirky teenagers.
there is so much i adore about this game that it's hard to even start. there's a remake of the game that's going to come out soon, and the things it's updated actually help me understand what it is i love about the original. i guess i'm in the minority, but i'm really charmed by low-poly graphics; there is a unique love to them that makes them far more captivating than more generic anime-esque visuals. i think trails has really lovely graphics, which might sound silly if you look them up. but i've found myself taking screenshots of vast sky views on top of towers or looking out on balconies adorned with flowers. i can't really explain what exactly it is that makes them so pretty to me, but somehow it just is.
i'm also in love with the music; the battle and the grancel themes especially are so beautiful. i have found myself letting them play just to listen to them more. they scratch some kind of itch in my brain and are so groovy and nostalgic (respectively). the battle theme specifically is really different from what you might expect from jrpg battle themes, but it's AWESOME!!
the combat in the game is pretty easy for the most part (the game is very generous with its energy/magic points so the characters all get a lot of it) but i think it's a great change up from typical stationary jrpg combat, as there is tactical movement on an isometric board. there is also no random combat (thank god) so for the most part battles are purposeful on my part and rarely boring. the technology of the world is through these things called "orbments", which power all the electricity, big giant airships, strange artifacts etc etc. combat-wise, they each have an element and various powers (for example, evasion is wind element and allows the character a chance to avoid certain attacks). then, each character has a certain layout of slots which these orbments fit into, and then based on which orbs connect and what elements they are the character has different magic abilities they can use. it's simple to understand but has a lot of strategy in what orbments you choose, so there's a lot of consider. it's really cool!
finally, my favorite part of the game is its dialogue and story. when i was reading other reviews for the game, i saw that the main criticism is simply that it's boring. and, to be fair, for this first game at least (i have yet to play the others) the stakes are fairly low for the majority of it; it's nothing world-threatening, or even really town-threatening lol. there's this whole segment where you just help a school plan for its annual fair. very low-key. plus, there is a LOT of dialogue in the game between characters, much of which isn't really important to the plot. so i definitely understand where people are coming from when they say it's too long and boring.
but it turns out that all of these elements are right up my alley, and a lot of it is thanks to the fantastic translation and character designs. i adore every single character, even the ones that are meant to be annoying; they're all so fun and charming. estelle and joshua are amazing main characters and i have gotten teary-eyed so many times at their friendship and... implied approaching romantic relationship (which i know is a bit weird, but oh well). i really just cannot emphasize enough how enjoyable the dialogue is for me; so many times i have been genuinely impressed by the humor and banter between these characters. it's amazing!!! this, plus a well-paced plot and in-depth lore, makes the game such a delight all the way through.
a really cool thing the game does is give all of its NPCs unique dialogue that also changes as the game progresses. so a housewife might complain about her husband ignoring her in favor of his hobbies, and then later you'll return and she'll tell you she's on her last straw, and then you'll return again and she'll have left and her husband is like "i'll give up fishing forever if only she'll return..." and they do this for every single NPC, even ones you'd never have to return to!!! it really brings life into the world in such a nice way. ohhh.... can you tell i love this game?
i'm nearing the end of the game, but what's crazy is that this is actually more like 1/3 of one really long game, because there's 2 others that immediately continue the story. and obviously i am going to want to continue the story. so while the first game is 50% off at $9.99 on sale, the others are like 25/35% off at ~$20 bucks each... which i would typically never ever buy at that low a discount... but how can i resist??? that's how they get ya i guess... but yeah, really great stuff. thank you so much random reviewer. hopefully next post i'll be gushing even more about the games :) or maybe i'll already have lost interest, depending on how long it takes me to get to a next post... lol
MOVING ON... to a few last media-related updates.
i'm still really into northernlion. definitely my favorite streamer and content creator; he's just so damn entertaining. i tune into his stream almost every time he's live and i listen to edits of his content while completing closing tasks at my job. he's the only streamer i'm subscribed to now and i have absolutely no qualms in doing so; the amount of content he's provided me over the past year is insurmountable - genuinely hundreds of hours. what a guy.
i binged the last few seasons of community a few weeks ago, and i miss it so much. i said in a previous post that i hated it at first, and i just want to reiterate this because it's so crazy how much it ended up growing on me. a lot of people criticize the last few seasons but i honestly found them to be just as enjoyable as the first few. community was really good at having an uplifting ending to its episodes, which worked so well because the characters all bonded so much as a group. abed and troy are my favorite (shocking no one, i'm sure), but i honestly love them all so much... even pierce, a little. sad that it's over, but hopefully they'll make that movie someday...
after this i wanted to watch a new show, so i started seinfeld and got about 3 seasons in before i kind of lost interest. i think i'll definitely finish the show sometime; i've just got so many other things i'm interested in that this one will be on the backburner for a while. i finally get the appeal, though. it really is a funny show with so many iconic moments!!
i also watched some of this british show from the 2000s called black books, and i really enjoyed what i saw of it. it's kind of low-budget and stupid but in a very silly manner, which is right up my alley. i'm especially fond of the bookstore owner, bernard, but honestly i love all the characters. i haven't finished this one either in favor of other things but i will sometime. it's good stuff.
on an exciting note, both osomatsu-san and it's always sunny in philadelphia have new seasons starting... today!!! iasip is expected and i don't have particularly high hopes (but of course i'll watch anyway), but osomatsu-san was a complete surprise when it was announced a few months ago and i'm super excited for it. i originally got into osomatsu-san yeaaaaars ago back in like 2018 or something and have vaguely kept up with it over the years. every time a new season is announced is like a miracle; i can't BELIEVE they're actually doing a fourth. but i'm so excited for it!! this is the summer of osomatsu-san!!!!!!!!!
last and maybe least, i've gotten super into rhett and link over the past month. i don't know why i decided i wanted to get into them now, but i'm really glad i did. they are exactly my type of humor and are so funny together, i love them a lot and watch them every day. i think i'm really charmed by older (by my 21yr old standard) people being generally silly and excited about things but not in a specific, nerdy way if that makes sense. like a 45 yr old loving a video game or something is cool i guess but rhett and link just loving life itself brings me so much joy. they've done videos where they react to themselves when they were younger, and it's so uplifting to see how their general attitude has remained so positive over the years. they are just so silly!!!! i love them!!!
anyway... i think that's it for the most part. it is a little sad to think on the grand plans i had a few months ago and compare it to now, but that's life i guess. i'm so grateful for the life i have: my mom, my dogs, my job, my friend, even the digital community and entertainment i have. i just cherish these days so much, because we can never know how long they'll last.
depending on when i write next, have a lovely summer, folks!
